murphy's law

as i left the office at 6 pm after my 36 hour shift, i decided to take a quick nap before heading home fearing i'd fall asleep behind the wheel. i woke up 2 hours later fresh as a daisy, so i went looking for some action. naturally, i ended up at the local church bingo night. it was such a shame, there was not one looker in the bunch.

$5,000 later, i was down to my last bingo card. someone yelled "bingo!" and that was that... or so i thought. murphy, the divorced senior who had worked as a vegas strip club janitor for over 40 years before retiring, was sitting next to me and he punched my arm. the guy was like 80 so it was more like a tickle on the arm. i think he was hard of hearing and didn't know the volume of his voice because he yelled at me spit and all, "hot dog! hey, i think this kid just got the 'super special mega hallelujah hail mary special jackpot!'" sure enough, i look down at my card and the numbers i had blotted on my card collectively formed the crucifix.

with my newly acquired 10 grand that smelled like church pews and holy water lining my pockets, i rented one of those party buses. murphy and i headed over to his retirement home and we packed that bus with his buddies and well-wishers. there must have been over 50 seniors and an accumulative age of 4,000 in that double-decker party bus.

i got a chance to met some of murphy's friends. big shout outs to mort, agnes, bertha, helga, and harry!

the night was still young, the bus was packed with an insane amount of extra strength icy hot, booze, loud swing/big band music, and you gotta have drugs... i mean doctor prescribed medication. the bus packed and swinging, we headed over to the our neighbors in the silver state. whatever happens there is suppose to stay over there but i'm just gonna tell you guys about it anyway, cuz that's the kinda guy i am this week.

yup, we headed towards the most happening spot in nevada; the hoover dam. the drive was long enough for everyone to get pretty crunk. people were liquored-up, limbered-up, and drugged-up... uh, i mean medicated. girdles strewn all about the bus, with dentures every which way.

they were a wild bunch, mixing up metamucil and greygoose, and pepto bismol with hennessy. it may sound disgusting and it does leaves a little kick in your mouth, but don't knock it until you've tried it. the pepto keeps the hang-over away, and the metamusal keeps you regular. the combo leaves you a nice buzz AND it's practical.

when we finally arrived at the hover dam i got out to take a piss over the dam under the starry dessert sky. i climbed back in and decided we better head home because i had work at 6 am.

on the ride back someone decided to take a spin on one of the abundant stripper poles on the bus. it was an amazing show. i never knew someone can bend like that. some of the stuff i saw, i've never even seen in a porno let alone a rap musical video. the show included but was not limited to spins, twirls, sliding, gliding, gyrating, dipping, humping, and props. it was a an amazing show until murphy hurt himself. he was preforming this routine that i can't really but into words, but think yoga, karma sutra, and the charleston (the dance not the chew). during his coup de grace, he slipped on some icy hot that fucking gerald had left out. murphy landed with a loud crack but luckily, he had landed on a set of unclaimed set of dentures. you would think they would be more responsible with their teeth and icy hot with around 4,000 years of wisdom in that bus.

murphy's hip wasn't broken but he was in an awful lot of pain. good thing the bus was practically packed to the gills with icy hot. all that "medication" murphy was on helped too. i was heartbroken our adventure was ending on a sour note but murphy said it was worth it. apparently, after working 40 years at vegas strip club, murphy had picked up some moves and always had a secret desire to ride the pole. "call it murphy's law, whatever can happen in party bus will happen in a party bus," murphy said everyone who had gathered around him, "and i also forgive you gerald. i forgive you and your lucky charms." i chalked that last bit about the lucky charms up to the "medication" kicking in, but i made it a point to get murphy checked for a concussion too.

we made our way to the hospital to drop murphy off. helga and bertha, the two youngest in the group, they were 67 and 65 respectively, stayed with murphy to keep him company. even with a bad hip, muprhy had game. i was the next stop so i gave the driver what's left of my 10 grand to clean up the mess mort left in the back of the party and to drop off the rest of them at the retirement home.

the driver dropped me off  at my office's front door. the bus door hissed closed behind me and drove off leaving a cloud of smoke. 6am, just in time for work.